Posts Tagged ‘douchebaggery’

evildoers

Sunday, September 11th, 2011

A preoccupation with one’s own feelings of victimhood, triumph, and exceptionalism, to the detriment of serious contemplation of the ways in which one victimizes others, is a sign of narcissism and psychopathy in nations as well as in individuals.

Forget I mentioned it. Rise for the flag salute. NEVER FORGET! THESE COLORS DON’T RUN! LET’S ROLL!

your military arms

Sunday, May 9th, 2010

So I haven’t been writing anything lately about all the newest crimes of the political class and the moneyed interests, let alone posting any of my poems (I remain quite prolific), as I’ve been trying to finish some projects which I’ll probably reveal here when they are done.

But this video was too disturbing to ignore.

Now, I make no claims to being well-versed in the finer points of Jonas-Brothers-based humor (beyond jocularly mispronouncing their names with a “Y” sound, as is my comedic heritage), but I think I get this one: it’s funny because the President claims the right to order American citizens killed with no judicial process!

So I decided to come up with some other punchlines that Barack Obama might like to try out:

“Boys, don’t get any ideas. I have two words for you: Abu Ghraib. You will never see it coming.”
“Boys, don’t get any ideas. I have two words for you: penile torture. You will never see it coming.”
“Boys, don’t get any ideas. I have two words for you: Camp No. You will never see it coming.”
“Boys, don’t get any ideas. I have two words for you: forced sodomy. You will never see it coming.”

Tee hee! I look forward to a great career in White House speechwriting.

futile system

Monday, March 22nd, 2010

In 2008, I expected a lot of nasty shit to go down after Obama took office. I can’t say, however, that I could have anticipated that it would be the so-called liberals in Congress who would deal the final death blow to the dream of socialized medicine and real healthcare reform.

To anyone who supports the bill that just passed, ask yourself why you think any of the consumer protections in it carry any weight whatsoever, when the passage of an individual mandate with no public option means that the insurance companies are now rich enough to gut every reform that cuts into their profits.

There’s a reason (besides poor mental health) that people fall for the lies and demagoguery coming from drug-addled racists, Mansonesque Mormon alcoholics, borderline illiterate Christian jihadist ding-dongs, and the astroturfed “Tea Party” movement, and that reason is the moral bankruptcy of the “liberal” political class in this country. Obama was never for the public option: he secretly promised the for-profit hospital industry that there would be none, and went on to tell the American people he supported one. He made another backroom deal with the pharmaceutical industry to oppose allowing government to negotiate drug prices, and later lied about it.

And what do liberals do? Dennis Kucinich, the most visible exponent of leftist policies in Congress, did what he always does: he made a big show of supporting real alternatives to the corporate model, and then fell in line when it turned out that his vote might actually matter. He did the same thing during the 2008 election when he claimed to oppose any candidate who would “employ war as an instrument of foreign policy,” and then gave a speech at the Democratic Convention endorsing Obama. (Salient quote at 2:40: “The insurance companies took over healthcare! Wake up, America! The pharmaceutical companies took over drug pricing! Wake up, America!”) Kucinich, that paragon of progressivism, has no real principles. Then again, to be fair, I suppose boning leggy redheads who are half your age and twice your height is a pretty solid principle. (more…)

go fuck yourself, Google

Friday, February 12th, 2010

OK, so it’s bad enough that Google knows all my private conversations and preferences in pornography (have I told you about my Lutheran deaconess fetish?*).

And then there’s this creepy NSA collaboration business. Since when is a surveillance agency in the business of cybersecurity anyway? (Although it’s not really a huge surprise.) And how about Youtube’s censorship of questions to President Obama about marijuana legalization?

But now Google had to drop a big steaming turd on my e-mail account. I’m getting tired of your waterhead fuckarounds, Google. All I wanted was e-mail. If I wanted a goddamn social networking site, I would already be on Twatbook or Facefuck or whatever the kids are using these days. And I certainly wouldn’t be on a social network that automatically lists me as “following” my proctologist.

Salient quote:

When I enabled Google Buzz, it was using a photo on my personal Buzz page (not my profile or anything) that I’d taken on my Droid but hadn’t ever uploaded. Why? And why that photo? And–what? That’s just creepy as hell.

And a quote from a Google statement:

We thought very carefully about how to create a great experience in Google Buzz with as minimal setup as possible. We designed our auto-following system to enable users to immediately see content from the people they email and chat with most, so when they start using Buzz, it “just works.” If users are automatically followed to anyone they’d rather not follow, it’s easy to remove these individuals during the auto-following step by clicking on the “edit” link and then clicking “unfollow” next to their names.

(more…)

fuck off, I’m voting for Nader

Thursday, September 18th, 2008

This year’s Olympics of Banality are turning out AWESOME. Here’s a poem about consumer politics in America, specifically the pathetic Obama movement. I wrote most of it a few months ago. It’s in all lowercase with minimal punctuation because I didn’t want the typography to interrupt the doucheflow. It’s still pretty rough, but that’s the nature of topical political poetry.

 

i’m convinced barack is a new kind of politician
my obama sneakers are limited edition
i got an obama vinyl figurine from japan
i circuit-bent my speak and spell to say “yes we can” (more…)

why are things the way they are? Τί ἐστιν ἀλήθεια;

Tuesday, September 2nd, 2008

Here are three biographical poems about important individuals of our time. I wrote them in early 2008. They’re not really clerihews, but what the fuck:

1. Richard Kern

Improper kerning can make porno pomo,
But if you don’t like Kern, you must be a homo.

[I realize there are plenty of homos who like Kern, but what can I say, I’m phallogocentric.]

2. Mitt Romney

I may be omnisexual, but I’m not Mitt Romneysexual:
My youthful raging hormones don’t extend to aging Mormons.
You lived in France at the same time Godard did,
And anyone who voted for you must be retarded.

3. Sofia Coppola

It seems that you operate with the belief
That film is a shallower shallow relief.
No amount of film school could save ya
And I wish I could punch you right in the labia.