here’s to my sweet Santa

The worst aspect of our society’s observance of Christmas is the way adults deceive children into believing there’s a magical bearded man who will grant their wishes if they’re good. But enough about Jesus. Santa Claus, on the other hand, is a truly heroic figure, running, as he does, a pagan mole operation inside the […]

four unrelated poems

pleonastic neoplasm sliced spasm, a tumor fluoresces silver gleaming white in hypernova gamma ray bursts and vulvar ectoplasm platinum coruscates; an epileptic caesura scintillating, throbbing, flashing hemicrania aura planarians, electrodes, the bicameral mind I forgot what I was going to write here horse clitoris! buck naked, a cunt-baked bundt cake sat in the slot of […]

I want a garden where the flowers have no flowers

Here’s an article about what passes for poetry at the White House. I personally prefer Barack’s own poetry (only the cave-ape one — the other one is tl;dr unless you read it as thinly veiled geronterotica, in which case TTJO). Speaking of the dawn of man, some scientists think that Neanderthals went extinct because our […]

das übelste der Übel

Probably the only inaugural poem you’ll need to read this year: history is torn and blistery the future’s sutures are a mystery wooed by healing thoughts, we swooned and thus forgot to clean the wound (also, I decided to try putting poems in block quotes)

Jólnir vs. White Christ-mas

To mark today’s ancient festival, I’d like to remind our readership that the poems on this blog are not meant for effete postmodern snobs.  No, they belong to TIME-HONORED VIKING TRADITION: the tradition of men like Egill Skallagrímsson who, after vomiting in their enemies’ faces and biting through berserkers’ throats, would record their valiant deeds […]

ich hab’ keine Lust meine Pflicht zu erfüllen

Inspired by Nirvana’s “Scentless Apprentice” and Nina Hagen’s “Unbeschreiblich Weiblich,” I wrote some more song titles along the same lines: Phallogocentric Shmendrick Abstruse Masseuse Engorged Geordi LaForge Collegiate Eedjit Skinny-assed Cineaste Genderqueer Engineer Freestyling Skræling (I should note that “unbeschreiblich weiblich,” being adjectival, doesn’t technically fit in with these, but what the fuck.)

fuck off, I’m voting for Nader

This year’s Olympics of Banality are turning out AWESOME. Here’s a poem about consumer politics in America, specifically the pathetic Obama movement. I wrote most of it a few months ago. It’s in all lowercase with minimal punctuation because I didn’t want the typography to interrupt the doucheflow. It’s still pretty rough, but that’s the […]

Thank you for your pohickory subsequent to iteration Maginot Line. However, your wornil was not selected for the first sprinkle iteration.

I wrote this little baroque-flarf gem in maybe early 2004 (although parts of it are older) and submitted it to a student publication at my alma mater. They rejected it, because they are idiots. the dying sonnet sacrifices its only begotten spazz-bastard for the future midget abortion trash sang in starry night of shit blinking […]

early works, part I

Here are some poems I wrote when I was 11 or 12. The first one kind of peters out at the end. Fuck you, I was in sixth grade. It was probably my bedtime. The Refrygerator Refrygerator! Refrygerator! freezing bright In the kitchens of the night: What industrial gizmo or widget Could keep the meat […]