go fuck yourself, Google

OK, so it’s bad enough that Google knows all my private conversations and preferences in pornography (have I told you about my Lutheran deaconess fetish?*).

And then there’s this creepy NSA collaboration business. Since when is a surveillance agency in the business of cybersecurity anyway? (Although it’s not really a huge surprise.) And how about Youtube’s censorship of questions to President Obama about marijuana legalization?

But now Google had to drop a big steaming turd on my e-mail account. I’m getting tired of your waterhead fuckarounds, Google. All I wanted was e-mail. If I wanted a goddamn social networking site, I would already be on Twatbook or Facefuck or whatever the kids are using these days. And I certainly wouldn’t be on a social network that automatically lists me as “following” my proctologist.

Salient quote:

When I enabled Google Buzz, it was using a photo on my personal Buzz page (not my profile or anything) that I’d taken on my Droid but hadn’t ever uploaded. Why? And why that photo? And–what? That’s just creepy as hell.

And a quote from a Google statement:

We thought very carefully about how to create a great experience in Google Buzz with as minimal setup as possible. We designed our auto-following system to enable users to immediately see content from the people they email and chat with most, so when they start using Buzz, it “just works.” If users are automatically followed to anyone they’d rather not follow, it’s easy to remove these individuals during the auto-following step by clicking on the “edit” link and then clicking “unfollow” next to their names.

Maybe next time instead of thinking “very carefully about how to create a great experience” in their next irritating horseshit application they foist on us, Google should think very carefully about how not to dick over their existing users.

And if that wasn’t bad enough, check out the arcane and byzantine rites required to turn it off. I did all that, and I’m still not sure that I’ve exorcised the Buzz demon. I wanted an e-mail account, not motherfucking Leviticus.

All social networking sites need to die in a fire. I DON’T WANT TO SHARE ANYTHING WITH ANYONE. I WANT TO BROWSE THE INTERNET ALONE IN MY ROOM IN THE DARK. SINCE WHEN IS THAT SO WRONG?

*One day I will direct a deaconesssploitation film: think School of the Holy Beast, but with Lutherans. The Saint Lucia scene will be epic.

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