why are things the way they are? Τί ἐστιν ἀλήθεια;

Here are three biographical poems about important individuals of our time. I wrote them in early 2008. They’re not really clerihews, but what the fuck:

1. Richard Kern

Improper kerning can make porno pomo,
But if you don’t like Kern, you must be a homo.

[I realize there are plenty of homos who like Kern, but what can I say, I’m phallogocentric.]

2. Mitt Romney

I may be omnisexual, but I’m not Mitt Romneysexual:
My youthful raging hormones don’t extend to aging Mormons.
You lived in France at the same time Godard did,
And anyone who voted for you must be retarded.

3. Sofia Coppola

It seems that you operate with the belief
That film is a shallower shallow relief.
No amount of film school could save ya
And I wish I could punch you right in the labia.

Join the Conversation


  1. David Sedaris

    Your droll essays for aging hipsters
    Carved your niche as a tiresome quipster
    Don’t be so quick to think you’re the favorite son
    Amy’s by far the most interesting one.


  2. Right alongside such other immortal poetic moments as, “I sound my barbaric yawp over the roofs of the world,” and, “I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical mad,” the line “…I wish I could punch you right in the labia” will echo throughout literary history.

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