Archive for the ‘ultramundane’ Category

here’s to my sweet Santa

Sunday, December 25th, 2011

The worst aspect of our society’s observance of Christmas is the way adults deceive children into believing there’s a magical bearded man who will grant their wishes if they’re good.

But enough about Jesus.

Santa Claus, on the other hand, is a truly heroic figure, running, as he does, a pagan mole operation inside the Christian mythos.

It’s widely presumed that the septentrional god of creation, poetry, wisdom, magic, and song, known to the Germanic peoples as Odin, Wotan, or Woden, and to the Finns and their relatives as Väinämöinen, made himself scarce after the introduction of Christianity, leaving the masses to their blissful idiocy. (In the Kalevala, Väinämöinen suggests that the baby Jesus be dumped in a swamp and hit over the head with a stick. If only.)

But it’s become apparent that the great shamanic culture-hero and master of disguise is alive and well in Korvatunturi, surrounded by those other survivors from ancient times, the elves, subverting the Christian ethos from within by adulterating it with the pagan virtues of pleasure, frivolity, and self-indulgence.

Like Nietzsche’s Zarathustra, Santa Claus says, “Love ever your neighbor as yourselves — but first be such as love themselves.”

But surely Santa is just a symbol of the gross commercialization of the ancient festival? Contrariwise: it’s all too easy to underestimate Jólnir‘s boundless cunning. He’s really playing eleven-dimensional chess here, having recognized the revolutionary role of bourgeois materialism in eradicating feudalistic superstition and paving the way for proletarian class consciousness. Why do you think he wears red?

So anyway, I forget exactly where I was going with this, but I wanted to post the lyrics of a Yuletide song I wrote regarding, I don’t know, inverted totalitarianism or something. (JUST WHAT YOU WANTED THIS HOLIDAY SEASON: MORE INSUFFERABLE, JEJUNE POLITICAL RANTING FROM POETARIAT.) I recorded five or six shitty versions of it a year ago and was going to have another go at it, but I decided my time was better spent programming some shit instead. You don’t care. (more…)

Norsemen of the apocalypse

Friday, November 11th, 2011

I designed some signs/stickers/posters to help you protest the suffocating banality of life under modern capitalism: (more…)

Götzen-Dämmerung, oder, wie man mit dem Hammer philosophiert

Thursday, June 17th, 2010

Remember how I said that the gods would return to show their might? As always, my predictions were accurate (and I don’t even have a völva), as Thor is alive and well and dishing out divine justice in Ohio:

Also gathered along Union Road were Franklin twins and storm chasers Levi and Seth Walsh, who said they were out in the thunderstorm when they heard about the fire through a Facebook update.

“It sent goosebumps through my whole body because I am a believer,” said Levi Walsh, 29. “Of all the things that could have been struck, I just think that that would be protected. … It’s something that’s not supposed to happen, Jesus burning,” he said. “I had to see it with my own eyes.”

“I can’t believe Jesus was struck,” said his brother, who noted the giant Hustler Hollywood sign for the adult store across the street was untouched. “It’s the last thing I expected to happen.”

The now-razed effigy of the White Christ was, appropriately enough, made of Styrofoam.

This is not the first time this has happened. Note that Jim Caviezel was struck by lightning not once, but twice. Presumably the first strike was out of wrath at Mel Gibson’s Jesus movie, and the second was Thor’s attempt to prevent that nauseating teratoma of a Prisoner remake. I can only attribute Caviezel’s survival and subsequent desecration of McGoohan’s legacy to the hand of Loki.

Also, what does it say about the USA that Wikipedia needs a disambiguation page for “Touchdown Jesus”?

In conclusion, St. Boniface can suck my fuckin’ dick.

the year we make contact

Sunday, January 31st, 2010

So Poetariat has been silent for a while, but I guess Smokehouse is probably working, and I’ve been putting some effort into my own personal projects. When finished, said projects may or may not be the subject of a future post.

I also have a variety of subjects I’ve been meaning to write about, but every time I think about writing about poodles or television or Icelandic people, it seems to me to be rather like a conversation about trees.

I don’t really have anything to say about Obama’s snoozer of a State of the Union speech the other night, or about the nasty little fascist dorkwad who gave the Republican response. I realize that “fascist” is a bit hackneyed nowadays, but anyone who thinks that Obama’s record has been marked by excessive respect for civil liberties is truly diseased. (Why, yes, I have adopted Frank Zappa’s typographic idiosyncrasies; glad you asked.) Overall, the most interesting quote from that night was when Chris Matthews said, “I forgot he was black for an hour!” Stay classy, Chris.

Anyway, if the American news media had any priorities, there would be two headlines on the front page of the newspaper every day: a really really big one saying FORCES OF EVIL CONTINUE TO CONTROL PLANET, and then underneath that a smaller one saying “Puppies, kittens still adorable.” But to provide some further detail, here are some interesting links I’ve seen since the last time I posted. Some are old, but they are still relevant because a) timely blogging is THE MAN, b) I assume that everyone who reads Poetariat lives in the wilderness on honey and locusts and has no exposure to other media, c) many of the most important news stories only appear once and then nobody ever talks about them again, and d) to paraphrase Ralph Nader, “to know and not to blog is not to know.” Ralph Nader would probably slap me for saying that.

Gitmo North
detainees are nonpersons
11% think free market is working well
Afghanistan wants foreign killers handed over (more…)

after the gold rush

Tuesday, August 25th, 2009

My friend Jason received another feline communiqué from the extraterrestrials:

Joey spoke to me again; this time it made no sense at all:

“Self-awareness is self-delusion. The man in black sees all. Humanity has reached its end; the cetaceans demand it. The star vibrates. Feel the lion purr as it inherits the earth. The seeds have been planted; now wait for the harvest. Enjoy the ice but not the cream. Time to go home. Love.”

Jason

All-Bad-Things-Must-Come-To-An-End

See also parts 1 and 2, or read about another person who received messages from domestic animals.

(Come to think of it, I was once writing an essay for homework in high school, got stuck trying to think of what to put in the concluding paragraph, and then took a nap and had a dream where my cat told me “just bullshit it.” It was good advice.)

all cats have Asperger syndrome, cont’d

Sunday, February 22nd, 2009

I got some more e-mails from my friend Jason:

It happened again.

Just as I had finished putting my laundry away, I felt that mysterious buzz inside my head and suddenly found myself in pure white surroundings, with only Joey’s face before me. I had no body of my own; it was like I was nothingness existing in front of the image of Joey’s head, which seemed about 3 feet across. I could see it in perfect detail. His eyes stared directly into my line of sight, and I could not turn away or blink. In a sudden flash he transferred what seemed an entire movie’s worth of dialog and imagery. I think I am still coming to terms with it but the essence of it was that humanity will soon be faced with a choice: a crossroads from which we can’t go back and change our minds once we decide the course. In my mind I wondered what he meant, and he telepathically answered that it would soon be apparent. The next thing I knew I was getting up from the floor by my bed. I immediately went over to check my laptop to see if he had left anything for me; this time it was a single ominous image. I asked Joey if I could share this knowledge with others, and he told me “Only with those whom you trust.” (more…)

all cats have Asperger syndrome

Friday, January 30th, 2009

My friend Jason sent me the following e-mail:

Space Kat

Today Joey revealed to me his space ship which he used to get to this planet. He also telepathically hacked my computer with his mind and made the attached images appear on my Desktop. He then communicated to me that these images are of him as a juvenile, recorded some 8,000 years ago. His race long ago discovered immortality and they can be reborn in any form. He chose the form of Terran feline so that he could have a comparatively short respite of comfort and luxury after spending many decades in a thought chamber. I asked what a thought chamber was but he told me our language lacks the appropriate words to adequately describe it. Many late night discussions I have had with Joey have revolved around his ancient and alien philosophy, and they have in no small part served as an inspiration for many themes in my book. He has told me that he seeks only to promote a greater consciousness among humanity and hopes that we make it past our “technological adolescence” as his species did. He wished that I share his sentiments with a broader audience, and hence this e-mail. (more…)