The worst aspect of our society’s observance of Christmas is the way adults deceive children into believing there’s a magical bearded man who will grant their wishes if they’re good.
But enough about Jesus.
Santa Claus, on the other hand, is a truly heroic figure, running, as he does, a pagan mole operation inside the Christian mythos.
It’s widely presumed that the septentrional god of creation, poetry, wisdom, magic, and song, known to the Germanic peoples as Odin, Wotan, or Woden, and to the Finns and their relatives as Väinämöinen, made himself scarce after the introduction of Christianity, leaving the masses to their blissful idiocy. (In the Kalevala, Väinämöinen suggests that the baby Jesus be dumped in a swamp and hit over the head with a stick. If only.)
But it’s become apparent that the great shamanic culture-hero and master of disguise is alive and well in Korvatunturi, surrounded by those other survivors from ancient times, the elves, subverting the Christian ethos from within by adulterating it with the pagan virtues of pleasure, frivolity, and self-indulgence.
Like Nietzsche’s Zarathustra, Santa Claus says, “Love ever your neighbor as yourselves — but first be such as love themselves.”
But surely Santa is just a symbol of the gross commercialization of the ancient festival? Contrariwise: it’s all too easy to underestimate Jólnir‘s boundless cunning. He’s really playing eleven-dimensional chess here, having recognized the revolutionary role of bourgeois materialism in eradicating feudalistic superstition and paving the way for proletarian class consciousness. Why do you think he wears red?
So anyway, I forget exactly where I was going with this, but I wanted to post the lyrics of a Yuletide song I wrote regarding, I don’t know, inverted totalitarianism or something. (JUST WHAT YOU WANTED THIS HOLIDAY SEASON: MORE INSUFFERABLE, JEJUNE POLITICAL RANTING FROM POETARIAT.) I recorded five or six shitty versions of it a year ago and was going to have another go at it, but I decided my time was better spent programming some shit instead. You don’t care.
IF SANTA CLAUS WERE REAL, THE UNITED STATES WOULD KILL HIM
if Santa Claus were real, the United States would kill him
the CIA would make it look like he molested childrenbut people say St. Nick had plans to stop importing coal
and oil barons wanted to start drilling at the pole
and peace on earth and goodwill towards men won’t profit Goldman Sachs
that’s why Obama ordered several Yuletide drone attacksif Santa Claus were real, they’d revile Santa
and saturate your brain with anti-Kringle propagandaand all your childhood memories of Xmas are forgotten
you associate his beard with Karl Marx, Castro and bin Laden
and you should know lest you become persuaded by the doubters
he comes at night and coats your town with ominous white powderif Santa Claus were real, would we ever kill him
when he’s proved invaluable as our eternal villain?another way to justify our genocidal wars
so weapons dealers prosper while the rest of us get poor
but if Santa Claus were real, even poor kids would get presents
his elves would build Kalashnikovs for all the starving peasants
HAIL SANTA.
EDIT: I forgot to mention that human civilization has less than a year left, according to the Mayans Unsolved Mysteries.
UPDATE II (we’re in Glenn Greenwald territory now): It wasn’t Unsolved Mysteries, it was Ancient Prophecies IV, from 1996. Here‘s the most memorable part.