Jólnir vs. White Christ-mas

To mark today’s ancient festival, I’d like to remind our readership that the poems on this blog are not meant for effete postmodern snobs.  No, they belong to TIME-HONORED VIKING TRADITION: the tradition of men like Egill Skallagrímsson who, after vomiting in their enemies’ faces and biting through berserkers’ throats, would record their valiant deeds for posterity in extemporaneous verse.  They also dressed really spiffy.  The best Vikings were, like Mike Gravel and Frank Zappa, UTTERLY COMPLETE HUMAN BEINGS.

Unfortunately, if the Vikings had any fault, it was their Scandinavian open-mindedness and tolerance.  This made them easy prey to Christian missionaries, resulting in five centuries of Catholicism and another five centuries of Lutheranism.  LET THAT BE A LESSON TO YOU.  So, as penance for the sins of my ancestors*, I present to you the lyrics of my Viking metal “Christmas” song which I’m probably never going to get around to recording because I don’t really give a shit.  I dedicate it to pagans everywhere.

Oh yeah, and I decided to put it in all caps to UNLEASH THE FURY.  THERE IS NO ROOM FOR SUBTLETY IN METAL.

ODIN IS A GOD
CHRIST WAS A FOOL
DOWN WITH CHRISTMAS
BRING BACK YULE
THOR IS A GOD
PAUL WAS A TOOL
DEATH TO CHRISTMAS
BRING BACK YULE
THIS YEAR SANTA’S LOOKING TRIM
HIS MERRY VISAGE HAS TURNED GRIM
AND THEN YOU SEE SOMETHING’S AWRY
FOR SANTA CLAUS HAS JUST ONE EYE
WHEN ASKED WHAT HAPPENED TO SAINT NICHOLAS
HE SAYS, “THAT TURK WAS FRAIL AND DICKLESS
SO I FED ST. NICK’S JOLLY RICTUS
TO THE FLAMES OF SOL INVICTUS.”
AND THEN WITH ANGUISH AND FOREBODING
YOU REALIZE “SANTA CLAUS” IS ODIN
ONE THOUSAND YEARS HIS SPEAR LAY BLUNT
NOW HE RESUMES THE WILD HUNT
SLAUGHTERS RUDOLF AND ALL THE REINDEER
THE ONE-EYED ONE NEEDS ONLY SLEIPNIR
STARVED FOR FLESH, THE WOLVES ARE BAYING
AS HE STARTS HIS ONE-HORSE OPEN SLAYING
THE SLEIGH BELLS JINGLE ONLY KNELLS
AS ODIN DECKS THE HALLS OF HEL
WITH COUNTLESS SOULS OF CRAVEN CHRISTIANS
AND ON HIS SPEAR, THE BLOOD IS GLISTENING
A BEAUTIFUL SIGHT; WE’RE HAPPY TONIGHT
FOR THE GODS HAVE RETURNED TO SHOW THEIR MIGHT
AND THE SIGHT OF BLOOD ON THE NEW-FALLEN SNOW
MAKES ME THINK OF YULETIDES LONG AGO
WHEN WE HEARD MJÖLNIR IN THE SKIES
BEFORE THE CHRISTIANS SPREAD THEIR LIES
ABOUT THEIR COWARDLY REDEEMER
AND THE ONLY FROSTY SNOWMAN WAS YMIR
FORGET THE MANGER ON CHRISTMAS DAY
SACRIFICE A BOAR FOR FREY
PUT OUT CARROTS FOR THOR’S YULE-GOATS
AND COOKIES AND MILK FOR THE ÁLFABLÓT
BUT KNIT YOURSELF AN ICELANDIC SWEATER
FOR TONIGHT BEGINS THE FIMBULVETUR

…I think I’ll abandon this poem before it gets out of hand.

*To be fair, they didn’t know what they were getting into.  For one thing, the Christians in Iceland promised that they would keep infanticide and horse meat consumption legal when the country converted, and later banned both.  Also, I don’t think the Vikings had to endure coffee-hour small talk in the fucking narthex before making their decision.

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2 Responses to “Jólnir vs. White Christ-mas”

  1. Poetariat » Blog Archive » Götzen-Dämmerung, oder, wie man mit dem Hammer philosophiert Says:

    […] how I said that the gods would return to show their might? As always, my predictions were accurate (and I don’t even have a völva), as Thor is alive […]

  2. Poetariat » Blog Archive » here’s to my sweet Santa Says:

    […] it’s become apparent that the great shamanic culture-hero and master of disguise is alive and well in Korvatunturi, surrounded by those other survivors from ancient times, the elves, […]

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