Chow-Snork was banished, and he was penisless.

My friend Keanu von Fagerström wrote this short story, which is somewhat reminiscent of the Icelandic sagas about outlaws:

(EDIT [July 10]: It just occurred to me that this story is also uncannily similar to the ancient Egyptian Tale of Two Brothers, from the 13th century BC. Seriously, read the synopsis [or read the entire story, or, for all you “traduttore, traditore” types, here’s the original Late Egyptian]. According to Robert Coover, the Tale of Two Brothers is basically about male castration anxiety. So there you have it: Keanu von Fagerström unwittingly proves Freud’s theories.)

Chow-Snork Cunthrob

Once upon a time, Chow-Snork was wandering the woods which surrounded his home. His home was among a small tribe of 60 or so Pixies. It was a quiet and slow-paced life. The tribe was governed by a hierarchy of elders, central among which was the patriarch, Henry-Humphrey. While on this walk he came upon an orangutan with a snake head. Chow-Snork was taken aback, as he had never encountered such a strange creature before. “Fear not!” the snake-head hissed. “I have come to give you a gift, which will show Pixies what they are meant to be.” The Orangutan Snake creature disappeared, and Chow-Snork looked all around, but he was gone. Chow then looked down and noticed a red, spotted mushroom was in his hand. Chow didn’t recall picking it up. “Was this the gift the Orangutan Snake was talking about?” he wondered.

Chow decided to take a bite of this plush and vibrant-colored truffle. It tasted much like other mushrooms, but had a unique sourness to it. “What do you have there?” a voice from behind him said. Chow-Snork Cunthrob turned to see the wife of the chief elder. “A mushroom. Would you like a bite?” he offered. “Sure,” she said, taking it from his hand and eating it. “In all my years I’ve never seen this variety before; where did you find it?” Chow-Snork didn’t expect her to believe him, and answered that he found it growing on the side of a fallen tree.

The next thing Chow-Snork recalled was waking up with a slight headache and confusion. He looked around and found himself in unfamiliar surroundings. Then a sudden stroke of panic hit him as he realized he was in the chief’s bedchambers, and the chief’s wife was asleep beside him! Chow-Snork decided to try and sneak out. He couldn’t find his clothes anywhere, and so grabbed a sheet and quietly began to sneak out. Just as he was about to go out the chamber’s window, Henry-Humphrey entered the room in a half-drunken stupor. The hearing before the elders was set for the next night. Chow-Snork appeared before all the elders, where the chief’s wife gave testimony that she didn’t know what happened, and, due to what later dripped out of her, claimed she had been raped. The elders emerged from the room of deliberation after 15 minutes to hand down their punishment:

“BANISHMENT”

“No! Please, don’t banish me. I don’t know what happened; I must have been controlled by demons.” All of Chow-Snork’s friends and family, everything he knew, was here. He couldn’t bear to have it all torn away from him. The elders whispered among themselves, and then the blue-skinned patriarch spoke: “If you are truly innocent, then God will protect you through the test.” “What test?” Chow-Snork dared to ask. “There is a mother badger who lives in the tree along the bend in the stream. If you insert your phallus into a hole in that tree for 10 minues and are unharmed, then your innocence will be proved, and you can live with us.”

Chow-Snork didn’t look forward to this test, but he knew in his heart he was innocent and believed his deity would protect him through it. All the villagers gathered around, and he inserted his phallus into a small hole in the tree. About a minute into the test, he was feeling rather confident his innocence would be proved. Then it hit him like a thousand needles shooting up his spine. Something inside the tree was throwing all the ferocity and anger of a defensive mother at his most vulnerable part. The villagers gasped, and some fainted as he retracted what was left of his genitals from the tree.

Chow-Snork was banished, and he was penisless. For many months he hid on the outskirts of his village, never getting close enough to be seen; it would surely mean his death. Yet he was close enough to hear their celebrations, to smell their BBQs when the wind was right. His frustrations and anger grew. Chow-Snork may not have been able to derive sexual pleasure anymore, but he was still able to fantasize. He fantasized about killing Henry-Humphrey and that whore seductress slut of his wife. This anger slowly grew, and one night he decided he would go through with it. He snuck in through the same window late at night while the village slept. He groped in the darkness for Humphrey’s wife and moved his two hands up to her neck. Then he choked her with all his strength; she woke up and struggled, but Henry-Humphrey slept drunk on the couch. While choking her he felt a sensation in his phantom penis. He felt arousal! By the time she had stopped struggling, he had come.

Chow-Snork snuck out as quietly as he had entered and spent the next two weeks thinking about and replaying the events of his “adventure night”. He enjoyed the evening so much he decided to do it again. This was now the only way Chow-Snork Cunthrob was able to achieve sexual pleasure. After the third killing, the villagers became vigilant. They kept lit torches and shifts. Chow-Snork decided that, for him to continue his “adventures”, he would have to find new prey, easier pickings. And so he went on to explore new lands. He sought ways to expand his power and domination over others. Over the years he learned many tricks and killed many people. Chow-Snork honed his killing techniques and abilities, and the pleasure he received from killing kept up his motivation. His thirst and lust for such adventures only increased with time.

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