Norwegian Wood

This is the only piece of literature that we, the two authors of this blog (Smokehouse and Moral Authority), have written collaboratively thus far. It was inspired by an ill-advised (though totally awesome) encounter that I, Smokehouse, had with a certain Norwegian. I did indeed send this poem to its subject, much to the chagrin of certain friends who, though kind and loving, have unprogressive things to say about aggressive female sexuality and/or self-debasement. The subject, being a philistine, rejected our poem. I will keep personal details to a minimum. I will provide them when I think they might enhance your enjoyment of our writing. And perhaps in posting these details, it will serve to remind me that haste in courtship can sometimes make things more difficult than cowardice.

Norwegian Wood
Fully Engorged Edition

Part I
Invocation of Bragi

Please sing to me, oh Bragi, I’ll
Get plugged by Gunnar doggy style
I am no Snorri and this is no Edda
My purpose no grander than to give some head-ah
I betrayed my man like Vidkun Quisling
I never cheat but this Norseman was sizzling
How could I resist fucking one of the Aesir
When my boyfriend would be none the wiser?
So I got on all fours and he tapped my ass hard
Then he got on Sleipnir and rode back to Asgard

Part II
Love Poem for Gunnar

Not fucking you is making me blue
I just broke up with a sweet-faced Jew
Now I crave a foreskin smorgasbord
So run me through with your Viking sword
My cunt’s so wet, it’s ruled by Njord
Just put your longship in my fjord
My will is strong like that of Hoenir’s
To stretch my lips around your boner
Show no mercy with your heavy Mjolnir
I want to become completely vulner-
Able, exploring Like Amundsen, Roald
Risking the elements to touch your pole
You command my wetness like King Knut
Raid my monastery, take quim for loot
My lust for you will never cease
Like Alfred Nobel I want your piece
I don’t know if you’re a decent artist
But of all my lovers, you were the hardest
I’d wank your dick over Les Paul’s Gibsons
Your hair is huger than Henrik Ibsen’s
When your mascara runs, your eyes are smoky
Baby, you’re more epicene than Loki
Like Loki I want to get my hands on your hammer
When a lover gives you these lines, don’t you want to slam her?
Like Edvard Munch, you make me scream
I swear I’ll suck you ’til you cream
Fill up my tank with that big nozzle
Which spans the nine worlds like Yggdrasil
Your prick feels prehensile like Jormungander
When a girl is this horny, don’t you want her?
To deny me the pleasure is utterly lame.
Your wiener’s enormous. Is it from Jotunheim?
I adore your golden magnum cock
When you explode it signals Ragnarokk
You’re something out of Norse mythology
You’re giving me a whore’s pathology
Sami culture is now revived in my pants
I want to show you a traditional Lapp dance
Give me your sweet, fresh, one-eyed Odin
Ram it in me, shoot your load in
Odin sees volvas regarding his fate
Come see my vulva and we’ll fornicate
I’ll wrap my legs around you like the Kraken
Come on, slam it, let’s get packin’
Like a Viking I’ll attend your thing
The hall awaits its Mountin’ King
Don’t be like Ivar and leave me boneless
Erik the Red spent many years homeless
Don’t you think it needs a haven?
(Your stiff appendage that I’m cravin’)
Withdrawal has been making me cry,
”Be my Sigurd; stick your snake in my eye!”
In May you must go back to Norway
So call up some friends, we’ll have a four-way
Take me back to your ice palace
Ream me again with your nice phallus
Call up Sven and call up Bjorn
Amuse ourselves, film homemade porn
If you don’t want me now, you’re clearly a pooftah
So come on whip it out, make me say, “Uff dah!”
And shove it on in two thirds of my holes
Spare me the third, your cock’s big as a troll’s
And just like a troll’s it turns to stone
When I suck your tasty bone
I want to give you a really great beejin’
Who wouldn’t fellate this hot Norwegian?
Norway is Lutheran. I think that’s a bore
I just want to get nailed on the cathedral door
My heart burns, as if torched by black metal-ers
Come plunder my fiefdom like Viking settlers
My cunt tastes better than your mom’s lutefisk
Beat me, Thangbrand, with your giant crucifix
I’d throw myself on your funeral pyre
Singing, “Come on baby light my fire.”
You come from the land of the midnight sun
Well, My bed is the land of the all-night fun
I’ll give you a blowjob and I will be humming
“Ride of the Valkyries.” You’ll say, “Valhalla I am coming”
Then you’ll sweep on with threshing oar
Having spent your seed in this little whore

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