Archive for June, 2010

Chow-Snork was banished, and he was penisless.

Saturday, June 26th, 2010

My friend Keanu von Fagerström wrote this short story, which is somewhat reminiscent of the Icelandic sagas about outlaws:

(EDIT [July 10]: It just occurred to me that this story is also uncannily similar to the ancient Egyptian Tale of Two Brothers, from the 13th century BC. Seriously, read the synopsis [or read the entire story, or, for all you “traduttore, traditore” types, here’s the original Late Egyptian]. According to Robert Coover, the Tale of Two Brothers is basically about male castration anxiety. So there you have it: Keanu von Fagerström unwittingly proves Freud’s theories.)

Chow-Snork Cunthrob

Once upon a time, Chow-Snork was wandering the woods which surrounded his home. His home was among a small tribe of 60 or so Pixies. It was a quiet and slow-paced life. The tribe was governed by a hierarchy of elders, central among which was the patriarch, Henry-Humphrey. While on this walk he came upon an orangutan with a snake head. Chow-Snork was taken aback, as he had never encountered such a strange creature before. “Fear not!” the snake-head hissed. “I have come to give you a gift, which will show Pixies what they are meant to be.” The Orangutan Snake creature disappeared, and Chow-Snork looked all around, but he was gone. Chow then looked down and noticed a red, spotted mushroom was in his hand. Chow didn’t recall picking it up. “Was this the gift the Orangutan Snake was talking about?” he wondered.

Chow decided to take a bite of this plush and vibrant-colored truffle. It tasted much like other mushrooms, but had a unique sourness to it. “What do you have there?” a voice from behind him said. Chow-Snork Cunthrob turned to see the wife of the chief elder. “A mushroom. Would you like a bite?” he offered. “Sure,” she said, taking it from his hand and eating it. “In all my years I’ve never seen this variety before; where did you find it?” Chow-Snork didn’t expect her to believe him, and answered that he found it growing on the side of a fallen tree. (more…)

Götzen-Dämmerung, oder, wie man mit dem Hammer philosophiert

Thursday, June 17th, 2010

Remember how I said that the gods would return to show their might? As always, my predictions were accurate (and I don’t even have a völva), as Thor is alive and well and dishing out divine justice in Ohio:

Also gathered along Union Road were Franklin twins and storm chasers Levi and Seth Walsh, who said they were out in the thunderstorm when they heard about the fire through a Facebook update.

“It sent goosebumps through my whole body because I am a believer,” said Levi Walsh, 29. “Of all the things that could have been struck, I just think that that would be protected. … It’s something that’s not supposed to happen, Jesus burning,” he said. “I had to see it with my own eyes.”

“I can’t believe Jesus was struck,” said his brother, who noted the giant Hustler Hollywood sign for the adult store across the street was untouched. “It’s the last thing I expected to happen.”

The now-razed effigy of the White Christ was, appropriately enough, made of Styrofoam.

This is not the first time this has happened. Note that Jim Caviezel was struck by lightning not once, but twice. Presumably the first strike was out of wrath at Mel Gibson’s Jesus movie, and the second was Thor’s attempt to prevent that nauseating teratoma of a Prisoner remake. I can only attribute Caviezel’s survival and subsequent desecration of McGoohan’s legacy to the hand of Loki.

Also, what does it say about the USA that Wikipedia needs a disambiguation page for “Touchdown Jesus”?

In conclusion, St. Boniface can suck my fuckin’ dick.