Archive for the ‘poetry’ Category


Thursday, September 4th, 2008

Here’s a poem I wrote in like 5 minutes, about a year and a half ago, about that magical subculture where furversion and adult baby fetishism intersect. It’s pretty terrible, but you’ll like it better when I turn it into a song. I’m thinking of programming it in Pure Data and making it sound like a Shaggy song (the anti-scansion lends itself to reggae chanting) produced by Iannis Xenakis and DAT Politics.

You’re worse than those people who think that they’re Druids
It couldn’t possibly get any more disgusting without somehow involving clowns, hemorrhoids, or unorthodox bodily fluids

When your peers are going out to shitty bars and dressing spiffy
You’re busy at the Anthrocon in your fursuit getting yiffy

Saying “goo goo ga ga” and crapping your diapers
If you met 50 Cent, he would probably bust a cap in your diapers

All your friends are furverts and otherkin
Hey, at least you’re not a Republican

why are things the way they are? Τί ἐστιν ἀλήθεια;

Tuesday, September 2nd, 2008

Here are three biographical poems about important individuals of our time. I wrote them in early 2008. They’re not really clerihews, but what the fuck:

1. Richard Kern

Improper kerning can make porno pomo,
But if you don’t like Kern, you must be a homo.

[I realize there are plenty of homos who like Kern, but what can I say, I’m phallogocentric.]

2. Mitt Romney

I may be omnisexual, but I’m not Mitt Romneysexual:
My youthful raging hormones don’t extend to aging Mormons.
You lived in France at the same time Godard did,
And anyone who voted for you must be retarded.

3. Sofia Coppola

It seems that you operate with the belief
That film is a shallower shallow relief.
No amount of film school could save ya
And I wish I could punch you right in the labia.

Norwegian Wood

Tuesday, September 2nd, 2008

This is the only piece of literature that we, the two authors of this blog (Smokehouse and Moral Authority), have written collaboratively thus far. It was inspired by an ill-advised (though totally awesome) encounter that I, Smokehouse, had with a certain Norwegian. I did indeed send this poem to its subject, much to the chagrin of certain friends who, though kind and loving, have unprogressive things to say about aggressive female sexuality and/or self-debasement. The subject, being a philistine, rejected our poem. I will keep personal details to a minimum. I will provide them when I think they might enhance your enjoyment of our writing. And perhaps in posting these details, it will serve to remind me that haste in courtship can sometimes make things more difficult than cowardice.

Norwegian Wood
Fully Engorged Edition

Part I
Invocation of Bragi

Please sing to me, oh Bragi, I’ll
Get plugged by Gunnar doggy style
I am no Snorri and this is no Edda
My purpose no grander than to give some head-ah
I betrayed my man like Vidkun Quisling
I never cheat but this Norseman was sizzling
How could I resist fucking one of the Aesir
When my boyfriend would be none the wiser?
So I got on all fours and he tapped my ass hard
Then he got on Sleipnir and rode back to Asgard