Archive for December, 2008

apes that eat figs

Saturday, December 27th, 2008

Did you know that our President-elect is not only a master craftsman of abdominal muscles, hand-rolled cigarettes, and bullshit, but of poetry as well? It’s true!

What do you think Obama’s cave-ape poem is really about? I think it’s about the Yetinsyny. Maybe he was listening to Devo at the time.

Also, the NY Times had an interesting article on the clusterfuck that is inaugural poetry.

Jólnir vs. White Christ-mas

Thursday, December 25th, 2008

To mark today’s ancient festival, I’d like to remind our readership that the poems on this blog are not meant for effete postmodern snobs.  No, they belong to TIME-HONORED VIKING TRADITION: the tradition of men like Egill Skallagrímsson who, after vomiting in their enemies’ faces and biting through berserkers’ throats, would record their valiant deeds for posterity in extemporaneous verse.  They also dressed really spiffy.  The best Vikings were, like Mike Gravel and Frank Zappa, UTTERLY COMPLETE HUMAN BEINGS.

Unfortunately, if the Vikings had any fault, it was their Scandinavian open-mindedness and tolerance.  This made them easy prey to Christian missionaries, resulting in five centuries of Catholicism and another five centuries of Lutheranism.  LET THAT BE A LESSON TO YOU.  So, as penance for the sins of my ancestors*, I present to you the lyrics of my Viking metal “Christmas” song which I’m probably never going to get around to recording because I don’t really give a shit.  I dedicate it to pagans everywhere.

Oh yeah, and I decided to put it in all caps to UNLEASH THE FURY.  THERE IS NO ROOM FOR SUBTLETY IN METAL.

ODIN IS A GOD
CHRIST WAS A FOOL
DOWN WITH CHRISTMAS
BRING BACK YULE
THOR IS A GOD
PAUL WAS A TOOL
DEATH TO CHRISTMAS
BRING BACK YULE (more…)