Candy
Is dandy
But literacy
Is clitoris-y.

Here’s an article about what passes for poetry at the White House. I personally prefer Barack’s own poetry (only the cave-ape one — the other one is tl;dr unless you read it as thinly veiled geronterotica, in which case TTJO).

Speaking of the dawn of man, some scientists think that Neanderthals went extinct because our ancestors ate them. The scholarly contributions of Author Kiss My Ass were surprisingly accurate.

Update: Placentas buried under avocado trees.

Probably the only inaugural poem you’ll need to read this year:

history is torn and blistery
the future’s sutures are a mystery
wooed by healing thoughts, we swooned
and thus forgot to clean the wound

(also, I decided to try putting poems in block quotes)

To mark today’s ancient festival, I’d like to remind our readership that the poems on this blog are not meant for effete postmodern snobs.  No, they belong to TIME-HONORED VIKING TRADITION: the tradition of men like Egill Skallagrímsson who, after vomiting in their enemies’ faces and biting through berserkers’ throats, would record their valiant deeds for posterity in extemporaneous verse.  They also dressed really spiffy.  The best Vikings were, like Mike Gravel and Frank Zappa, UTTERLY COMPLETE HUMAN BEINGS.

Unfortunately, if the Vikings had any fault, it was their Scandinavian open-mindedness and tolerance.  This made them easy prey to Christian missionaries, resulting in five centuries of Catholicism and another five centuries of Lutheranism.  LET THAT BE A LESSON TO YOU.  So, as penance for the sins of my ancestors*, I present to you the lyrics of my Viking metal “Christmas” song which I’m probably never going to get around to recording because I don’t really give a shit.  I dedicate it to pagans everywhere.

Oh yeah, and I decided to put it in all caps to UNLEASH THE FURY.  THERE IS NO ROOM FOR SUBTLETY IN METAL.

ODIN IS A GOD
CHRIST WAS A FOOL
DOWN WITH CHRISTMAS
BRING BACK YULE
THOR IS A GOD
PAUL WAS A TOOL
DEATH TO CHRISTMAS
BRING BACK YULE (more…)

Inspired by Nirvana’s “Scentless Apprentice” and Nina Hagen’s “Unbeschreiblich Weiblich,” I wrote some more song titles along the same lines:

Phallogocentric Shmendrick
Abstruse Masseuse
Engorged Geordi LaForge
Collegiate Eedjit
Skinny-assed Cineaste
Genderqueer Engineer
Freestyling Skræling

(I should note that “unbeschreiblich weiblich,” being adjectival, doesn’t technically fit in with these, but what the fuck.)

This year’s Olympics of Banality are turning out AWESOME. Here’s a poem about consumer politics in America, specifically the pathetic Obama movement. I wrote most of it a few months ago. It’s in all lowercase with minimal punctuation because I didn’t want the typography to interrupt the doucheflow. It’s still pretty rough, but that’s the nature of topical political poetry.

i’m convinced barack is a new kind of politician
my obama sneakers are limited edition
i got an obama vinyl figurine from japan
i circuit-bent my speak and spell to say “yes we can” (more…)

I wrote this little baroque-flarf gem in maybe early 2004 (although parts of it are older) and submitted it to a student publication at my alma mater. They rejected it, because they are idiots.

the dying sonnet sacrifices its only begotten spazz-bastard for the future

midget abortion trash
sang in starry night of shit
blinking fast and heavy
you motherfucker. (more…)

Here are some poems I wrote when I was 11 or 12.

The first one kind of peters out at the end. Fuck you, I was in sixth grade. It was probably my bedtime.

The Refrygerator

Refrygerator! Refrygerator! freezing bright
In the kitchens of the night:
What industrial gizmo or widget
Could keep the meat loaf so darn frigid?

(more…)

Here’s a poem I wrote in like 5 minutes, about a year and a half ago, about that magical subculture where furversion and adult baby fetishism intersect. It’s pretty terrible, but you’ll like it better when I turn it into a song. I’m thinking of programming it in Pure Data and making it sound like a Shaggy song (the anti-scansion lends itself to reggae chanting) produced by Iannis Xenakis and DAT Politics.

Babyfur
You’re worse than those people who think that they’re Druids
Babyfur
It couldn’t possibly get any more disgusting without somehow involving clowns, hemorrhoids, or unorthodox bodily fluids

Babyfur
When your peers are going out to shitty bars and dressing spiffy
Babyfur
You’re busy at the Anthrocon in your fursuit getting yiffy

Babyfur
Saying “goo goo ga ga” and crapping your diapers
Babyfur
If you met 50 Cent, he would probably bust a cap in your diapers

Babyfur
All your friends are furverts and otherkin
Babyfur
Hey, at least you’re not a Republican

Here are three biographical poems about important individuals of our time. I wrote them in early 2008. They’re not really clerihews, but what the fuck:

1. Richard Kern

Improper kerning can make porno pomo,
But if you don’t like Kern, you must be a homo.

[I realize there are plenty of homos who like Kern, but what can I say, I'm phallogocentric.]

2. Mitt Romney

I may be omnisexual, but I’m not Mitt Romneysexual:
My youthful raging hormones don’t extend to aging Mormons.
You lived in France at the same time Godard did,
And anyone who voted for you must be retarded.

3. Sofia Coppola

It seems that you operate with the belief
That film is a shallower shallow relief.
No amount of film school could save ya
And I wish I could punch you right in the labia.